seasoning strings

sort it out.

2012-01-21T22:14:00.002+08:00

MOCC is over, and I'm a commisioned medical officer of the SAF.

Through MOCC I've become painfully aware of my weaknesses, confronted my fears, supported others and was carried on the shoulders of others, laughed/cried/sweat/bled with that band that I now call my brothers (and sister).

Truly I've served in the company of heroes.

Guardians.

Sort it out.

Fresh season.

2011-04-29T23:28:00.004+08:00

Today Prince William of Wales (now Duke of Cambridge) and Kate Middleton got married.

Today Wenhui and I collected our 1st tailored suits.

Today I'm on leave, and will return to work as a MO, no more a Houseman.

Today is the 4th anniversary of grandad's passing.

Perhaps it's because I've been so busy and tired this past year that I've never once stopped to think and reflect on the lessons I've learned and knowledge I've acquired; Indeed after a year of toil in AH/SGH I'm more (perhaps) efficient/experienced/skilled at what I do, yet none the wiser from it.

For wisdom, is knowledge that, through experience (mine or others') changes the way I live my life. Perhaps the Psalmist says it best - "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom" - Proverbs 9:10

I remember the fears and aspirations I had as as m5 student entering Housemanship - I was scared that I still couldn't set a decent IV plug, and terrified that I would be inept as a doctor (and kill someone in the process). I prayed for strength and enabling; I prayed that I would love my patients and remain close to God.

I honestly don't know how many of these fears were realised (I have no problems setting plugs now though), or how exactly my prayers were answered (not exactly paying attention, was I). But here I am at the end of a year, sane, perhaps a little more tired and cynical... and increasingly realising that but for His grace that sustained and literally carried me through, I would not be here.

So, thank you, God.

Thank you, friends and family who have stood by me.

Here's to a new season.

Rant (work).

2011-01-15T09:31:00.003+08:00

It's been 2 weeks in SGH, and well, it's just exhausting. The daily work is heavy (manageable if you aren't the only HO in the team) but the calls just kill you. Little to no sleep, continuous admissions, 3 blocks to cover, and 7-8 calls a month!!

It sucks being always either pre-call or on-call or post-call. Everyone is just so tired and and morale is low. There's even a few of us thinking of no-pay-leave. huh.

Today is my 1st day off in 2 weeks! hoorayy!! unfortunately it isn't sunday, which means i miss church again. I'm averaging once a month of church recently, which is...sad.....

but i guess, all in all, His grace is sufficient for me. In every season and for every need!

nobody home.

2010-10-29T21:27:00.003+08:00

Hope dangles on a string.

I won't let go if you don't.

moonshine.

2010-10-20T22:17:00.002+08:00

There's something magical about swimming in a lit pool under a moonlit sky.

Add in good friends, laughter and a total lack of self-conciousness among tried and tested companions, and yeah that's a potent mix.

I guess YX is right - it takes times like these to keep us sane; to remind u that there is so much more to life than the everyday.

Wish you were here!

boys and their toys.

2010-10-17T00:00:00.004+08:00

I'm gonna get myself a new amp! This is a Marshall AVT 20XT - hybrid tube/solid state amp that may not look much but sounds fabulous. uh-huh.

And yeah, maybe a new guitar too. Ain't she a beauty?? This is a Takamine EAN-10c, with a solid Cedar top and Mahogany back/sides. To tell the truth she looks kinda like my old Takamine (EG-10SC), but hey her sound is like totally warm and fuzzy.

mm hm. Problem is, I think that It'll take me another month of miserable HO pay to get these. Haizz. So many bills to pay...

one of those.

2010-10-13T20:30:00.003+08:00

Some days are just bad and should just be forgotten.

Then there are those days that are so bad that they should be immortalised in a post like this, like a "I survived (insert-scary-sounding-theme-park-attraction) ride" T-shirt.

So unbelievably angry today. So let down by people and a system I thought I knew well (learn something new every day, huh).

Ah, and yes that guy in Bed 7. Same to you and your face. I'm reserving the biggest needle I can find just for you.

Ironically, yesterday at CF I prayed for love and patience (I knew that was a bad idea). For my colleagues and patients, no less. And today all the CF people bumped into me, one after another, giving me encouragement. And Daryl got me chocolate. And Raji dropped me a msg. And someone said it made her sad to see me sad. aha.

So, maybe, today wasn't such a bad day after all. After all, it could get much worse tomorrow on call.

hello?

2010-10-11T20:48:00.000+08:00

No, not tonight either.

buh-bye.

(monday) blues.

2010-09-26T20:31:00.002+08:00

I guess, once in a while (not every week I hope), we get the monday blues.

Tomorrow, I'm post-take (all of today's admissions come to me), I'm on call (on duty through a day, a night, and half-a-day), and it's monday (expect a busy call).

Haiz.

Oh well. No sense bemoaning potential woes, I guess. Think I'll just play my guitar and sleep prophylactically.

waiting on.

2010-09-12T22:25:00.004+08:00

I know a girl,

She puts the colour inside of my world.

She's just like a maze,

Where all of the walls all continually change.

And I've done all I can,

To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand;

But I'm starting to see,

Maybe it's gone nothing to do with me.

"Daughters" - John Mayer

minutes and seconds

2010-08-09T21:38:00.002+08:00

I was in JC then, young, invulnerable, having the time of my life. And that was when a wise man taught me something I remember (and struggle with) to this day.

He said "how do you spell LOVE? Is it L-O-V-E?"

"No it isn't. True love is spelled T-I-M-E."

How true. Love is time spent waiting, hoping, trusting, holding on to, nurturing, caring, keeping the light on for......

And I guess that time is in short supply for us (doctors especially), who rush from patient to patient and task to task with scarcely the time for sleep. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your strength", the bible says - I guess the 10 min of "love" (aka quiet time) just doesn't cut it.

I'm flying off to India this friday! To all my friends who I haven't met up with, let's meet up soon, hand out, spend some T-I-M-E together...however you want to spell it.

Later.

in a week.

2010-07-24T22:45:00.002+08:00

And so I hold his hand, pat him on the shoulder and tell him it'll be OK. And so it shall, in as sense; for our lives are hidden in Christ, after final breath we shall stand the golden streets and see Him face to face.

I guess the question, then, is what of the people left behind? Bittersweet memories and regrets; what-ifs, and if-onlys; empty rooms and silent houses. None of these permanent of course - we'll meet again one day, where the mountains touch the sky.

the other side.

2010-06-28T20:55:00.002+08:00

Once again I'm standing on the wrong side of the glass doors of TTSH ICU. This time it isn't my grandad who is on the ventilator but my granduncle - pneumonia, septicaeia and endocarditis on ?BIPAP and ionotropic support.

So for an hour or 2 I'm not Dr Samuel, but family member Samuel, waiting patiently for the nurses to change the patient and all, then coming by his bedside not to takeblood/setplug/givedrug, but to hold his hand and tell him everything will be alright.

Granduncle, I'll be back! get well soon.

Monster.

2010-06-14T22:25:00.002+08:00

Today I realised, not for the 1st time, that there's a callous monster inside of me.

Oh, it's nothing cold-blooded/savage, but still it is rather angry/irritated/impatient/unfeeling/unsympathetic. It's a very predictable monster, really. It likes to lurk in the post-call period, or when fatigue/stress abound. Its claws are sarcasm and teeth are ringed with impatience, irritation and perhaps abit of imperiousness.

And today, it bit this one irritating, pitiful and utterly unreasonable old lady.

Man. I don't look forward to looking in the mirror tomorrow.

hit and miss.

2010-06-02T20:20:00.005+08:00

I miss hanging out and talking about everything and nothing at all.

I miss sleeping in on saturdays, and waking up to bee hoon brunch.

I miss wearing shorts and slippers by default when I leave home.

I miss suppers with the tripod.

I miss grandad.

I miss waking up with the lazy feeling of not having anything to do.

I miss going to church on sundays.

I miss the feel of new guitar strings.

I miss the sound of a special friend's voice.

I miss the long prayer-and-guitar session at night.

I miss people calling me for fun, instead of for work.

I wonder if people miss me too.

Cuts.

2010-05-18T20:52:00.003+08:00

I cut myself today.

No, not like with a knife across the wrist. it was one of those small glass ampoules of something or other, that I shattered instead of opening properly and cut me. So I smiled at the uncle waiting for his meds (he hadn't seen the cut), then went to wash it and put a plaster. And put on a glove over that cos the bleeding wouldn't quite stop. Then gave the drug to the uncle, got scolded for making a mess of the IV set. And then brought a sick patient to ICU. And then did a thousand other things, big and small, that I don't remember anymore. And all these post-call.

And when I reach home and wash the dried blood off my finger, once again I wonder who cares for the carers. Or is it our fate to wear a smile over high pressure, 36 hour shifts, delivering care with competence and empathy after being harassed and sleep-deprived...like wearing a glove over a bloody finger?

fractured love.

2010-05-11T22:08:00.002+08:00

Today, I think, I saw real love. In the eyes of a son, all grown up and grey-haired, brushing the hair and holding the hand of his mother, all grown old and white-haired. She was in a hospital bed, looking serene now that we had given her something for the pain (hip fracture).

I guess it is true; life comes full cycle. For when we are old and demented, our eyes regain the innocence of a child and our bodies lose the independence of an adult as our mind slips away. And our children nurse us, as we once did them.

Like I told a friend today, being in hospital (as a patient) isn't necessarily a bad thing. It seems that love is a strange thing; for some it is coaxed out be displays of devotion or daily acts of comfort and care; for others it is yanked out by a traumatic, unforeseen event that jolts us out of our daily stupor/routine/callousness. Like a hip fracture.

And so, to prevent further hip fractures that only serve to disturb my sleep (during call), let's all remember to love - in a way that is palpable, visible, audible......so that those we love are left with no shadow of a doubt that they are, indeed, loved.

Maybe I should get a hip fractured too.

License to kheal.

2010-04-28T22:34:00.002+08:00

And so they release us out into the world with little blue cards with our names on them, only Samuel Sim now was a prefix that gives an air of legitimacy that belies the nervousness in our newfound independence and responsibility.

Nurses start giving way, patients start listening, and for once there isn't a friendly number to call for help if something goes awry - after all, they are my patients now, and I am their doctor. They trust me to do no harm, to recommend the best course of action in every circumstance, and to carry out my duties with competence...and so I shall, to the best of my ability.

Of course, ability varies proportionately to the amount of sleep we get the night before.

Otherwise, the sun still shines (boy it's hot...wish I was back in Iceland), friends remain friends, faith/hope/love endure and guitar strings still rust and want a-changing.

Later.

back for good.

2010-04-24T09:06:00.002+08:00

Back from Sweden, jetlagged and having a whole lotta admin to settle before I start work. My first employment will be AH ortho, with Eugene. Haha. It'll be great.

But first and foremost on the to-do list, I guess, is the heart issue. Too many unanswered questions and half-baked convictions; too many "I should have"s and "I should be"s instead of an unwavering heart for the joys and battles of tomorrow.

And maybe catch a little sleep tonight.

I passed.

2010-04-16T09:50:00.002+08:00

And so the last sleepless night of the season ends with a mixture of relief and a wave of tiredness. Thank you, O God, for being gracious to me. Glorify Your Name.

Where the cold wind blows

2010-04-11T04:25:00.002+08:00

Heyhey, here's blogging from Iceland. It was -3 degrees in the east, but here in the west its more like 5 degrees so that's OK.

Finally a hostel with wireless and no one using YingXian's com, so here I go! This is a great place, its natural beauty never ceases to amaze. From snowcapped mountains to frozen rivers and lakes; from black sand beaches to half-frozen waterfalls....

Drove a snowmobile on a glacier (that was cool. literally.) a few days ago. Then swapped with YX and I rode pillion. Unfortunately we flipped over, I was thrown into the snow (soft landing!) but the bike fell on YX and dislocated his elbow. Then we drove almost an hour to a hospital, where the on-call (he's a hand surgeon) relocated it under morphine and diazepam. cool. More about that later.

Saw the Aurora too....though it was kinda faint. aha. Some people visit iceland and never see it, so I guess we're really blessed.

So yeah. Last 2 days in Iceland, then it's Sweden and Denmark. Stay tuned!

disbelief.

2010-03-31T02:04:00.004+08:00

I can't believe it's over.

No more whole days of studying; no palpitating sleepless nights before the clinical exams; no endless books and notes and agonising over stuff I forgot after reading 10min ago.

Cleared out almost 5 years worth of accumulated notes/books - there's actually space on my shelf now. In the process of re-packing my room. Throwing out lotsa old, useless stuff. Catharsis? Maybe...but I think it's just me wanting to start anew, after the failures of days past.

MBBS has showed me so much about myself (mostly bad things) and just how 'we all like sheep have gone astray, each turning to his own way,' when the answer would be to carry everything to God in prayer. Looks like I've a long way to go.

Heading to Denmark/Sweden/Iceland early on Good Friday. Will be back on the 21st of April. Cya all soon.

God willing.

2010-03-27T00:51:00.003+08:00

Last 2 days of exams. Medicine long and short cases.

I feel oddly calmer that when I took Surgery though. Perhaps after that disastrous debacle, I've figured that things can't get much worse.

It was disastrous, the Surgery shorts that is. I still don't know exactly what went wrong, just that I fumbled alot, and probably didn't know stuff as well as I should have. Then there was WHK. haiz. If I pass it'll be divine grace, if I fail...then it'll be 6 more months of character building as an undergraduate.

But O God, you hold my tomorrow in your hands. And though I fear failure and pain, Lord I know that Your plan is perfect; there are no hands more loving than Yours. Your will be done!

ramblingonandonaboutnothing

2010-03-18T19:24:00.002+08:00

I've had a 2 weeks of theory papers, and there's a week study break before the dreaded clinical exams.

Then today I woke up with a headache that refused to go away, and messed up all my plans.

It just left me, after my ?3rd nap today. I had a dream though, about taking my clinical exam. don't know if it was medicine or theory, but I brought my pandas to the exam, and some Indian lady examiner asked me some ENT question, then about the course of the facial nerve.

I gave some crappy answer about it starting at the base of the skull, then after some prompting managed to say the CN7 nucleus in the pons, then through the superficial/deep parotid to supply the muscles of the face. Then my dad woke me up for dinner.

Wow. even in my dreams I amaze myself.

It was raining today, sporadic showers of about 30min each throughout the day. It kinda reminds me of how I study - sporadic, intermittent bursts of activity, interspersed with useless unproductivity.

I love the rain, though. Today the intermittent showers were persistent enough to water my plants and cool the air down, so I couldn't ask fo more. For the 1st time in long while I stood at the doorway, watching the rain fall and feeling the cool breeze my skin.

Ok then, looks like it's time to study.

Pray!

2010-03-01T23:33:00.003+08:00

O Lord, I ask not that you would lift my necessary burdens,
But that you give me stronger shoulders to bear them;
And in the process of doing Thine will in a way that pleases you,
To find every new day with you sweeter than the day before.

Amen.

with many a winding turn.

2010-02-08T10:45:00.002+08:00

And in a miserable start to an already high-pressure week, I read today for devotion...

"Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks recieves; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened...if you, then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

-Matthew 7:7-10

And so I sumrise that this "gift" of a sleepless night and a killer headache that is causing me to miss school is, indeed, a good "gift"...though I distinctly remember praying (somewhere in the middle of the sleepless night) for blessed sleep and strength for the new day...so I will continue to be joyful and study my Paeds electrolytes as best I can.

O Lord, carry me for the road is long and hard this week.

untitled.

2010-01-23T01:05:00.001+08:00

There are some days that I'm not proud to be me.

Eastern air.

2010-01-20T21:50:00.002+08:00

Last day of Changi hospital General Surgery tomorrow!

I always thought that GS wasn't for me, but hey the people here are nice and the work is interesting. Here I see genuine concern for patients, not from one or two surgeons but from many of them in the department.

Today Boss (head of department) sat us down for what was listed as a "approach to breast lumps" lecture, then proceeded to give us a discourse in ethics and respect for patients. And I feel that it was a timely reminder of how the final MBBS, though our ticket into doctor-hood, does nothing to assess our competency in the fundamentals of doctoring - integrity, a respect for patients as individuals, and the desire to bring a measure of comfort into their lives.

And as for the crazy days of housemanship loom, Mr Salleh probably said it best -

Got chair, sit
Got food, eat
Got time, sleep
Don't give wrong blood
Don't give wrong drug
And we can help you with the rest

Boomz.

definitions.

2009-12-27T20:21:00.002+08:00

I'm kinda dreading the days ahead. Now that my Christmas tree is soon returning to its dusty box and all that remains are leftover turkey and ham, as 60 days (and a whole lotta studying) stand between me and the final MBBS, now that I've handed over my cell group to Jac, now that the choir voices are stilled and the music fades, what is left?

When the festivities and busyness are stripped away, and a man is left with his own fears and impending trials, a man must be secure in his identity in Christ. He is nor defined by what he can do, or the car he drives, or the 20 causes of atrial fibrillation he can recite, or even how "integral" a part of church ministry he is. A man's confidence is not that he will succeed in everything he does (?MBBS?), but that God's plan is the best plan for his life. A man's wish is not merely for comfort and happiness, but a moulding of character. A man's deepest desire is not for success or recognition, but the desire to see God's calling fulfilled in his life.

And I guess, for all that, I'm not dreading tomorrow quite so much after all =)

Interruption

2009-12-20T22:20:00.002+08:00

Was it on a night like this, as the world went on with business as usual, did God interrupt Man in all his sorrow and fear with a Saviour? A baby in a manger, whom shepherds watch and angels sing.

I wonder how that unexpected first Christmas was for those shepherds, in sleepless, solemn vigil on a night just like any other night (as any final MBBS guy would tell you). No Christmas shopping or feast for them...just quiet amazement as they stood at the cotside of the Saviour, the heavenly chorus still ringing in their ears.

And tonight, perhaps I will too allow that divine interruption into my heart; to pause awhile in the midst of planning and preparation and busyness and fear...to stand amazed, again, at the tiny hands of the Baby...and to follow those feet up to Calvary's hill. And perhaps, find myself,; not defined by the pursuits of the world but reflected in the eyes of my Saviour.

Are we there yet?

2009-12-13T22:27:00.003+08:00

Well, my Medicine revision EOPT is tomorrow, and from this twisting feeling in my gut I guess I'm just a little wee bit terrified at my chui-ness and lack of knowledge. Aha. But then again, as in eveything, we can but trust in God and do our best. Not that God is obliged to grant us a revelation about the treatment of chronic renal failure during the test, but it's comforting to know He makes everything beautiful in His time.

On another note, Christmas is coming!! yayy!! Looking forward to Christmas dinners, presents, carols by candlelight etc. And most of all, in the midst of Silent Nights and Harking Angels, perhaps a reminder that no matter the season, He is Emmanuel - God with us.

Later.

Dungeons and Dragons.

2009-12-09T00:51:00.002+08:00

We fight dragons every day. Some are real fire-breathing, earth-shattering monsters like the MBBS, others are like irritating whelps that nip at our heels. Some days we seem victorious, but let's not kid ourselves into thinking we've slain the dragons cos they often return the next day, as vicious as ever.

In this fight, faith is our shield and courage our sword. Friends are comrades who stand beside us. But on certain dark nights (like this), we find ourselves alone, tired and overwhelmed. The shield and sword lie discarded and forgotten in flight, and we are left whimpering and shivering in a corner. And then. The dragon. Bites.

Wounded warriors we are, fighting the dragons of each new day while bearing the wounds of yesterday's battles. But I believe that God is the hope that gives us strength for each new day; joy and laughter are the salves that soothe the scars of previous days; and love the bond that keeps us together, that helps us stand a little bit taller, and pick up our sword/shield to face the dragons of tomorrow.

Merry Christmas, Dragonslayers.

2/52

2009-12-06T21:43:00.002+08:00

And so it comes down to the final 2 weeks of Medicine revision! I have to admit, I'm getting abit worried that I'm far from finished with the theory and far from proficient with the song and dance. But I guess in typical Sam fashion, I'll smile and believe everything's gonna be all right (call me naive or whatever)

And now that most of my other committments are outta the way (except Christmas choir practice and the odd Crusade meeting or 2), now that I've gotten my guitar fix for the week (it's like dope that bruises your fingers, not your veins man), and now that most of my family's off to Shanghai on holiday (so no distractions??), I'm gonna go full throttle studying mode! (I hope). Just needta remember to read my bible and pray everyday.

On a side note, I recently had one of those taxi-driver conversations. This time it was a nice Chinese uncle who picked me up from NUS (it was raining like tigers and german shepherds and I was late for church band prac aft jammin with Bean), and we were talking about how difficult life was for taxi drivers and doctors (kindred spirits?? esp long night calls...)

So I was telling him how junior doctors had no life, started families late etc, and his reply was, "wah, no time to make love...*snigger*....eh you have a girlfriend?"

Thx arh, uncle.

Complications.

2009-11-24T22:32:00.002+08:00

D2 of Daniel's fast, and it ain't easy...not on the gastric front nor on the life-in-general front.

I thought that once I had gained God's perspective on things, things would be easier (or at least I would be more gracious in facing these things), but it seems God intends to stretch my frayed self even more with tiredness, endless responsibilities, annihilation of my best-laid plans, a nagging mum, and tutorials that are like having a tooth extracted by rusty pliers without LA.

People have different names for a man who stands up under the odds: "grace under pressure", "true mettle", "rock-solid".....but right now I feel like a fat pancake (hmm that's an oxymoron right). Aaaanyway. In God will I trust.

Daniel's fast

2009-11-21T22:18:00.002+08:00

Today I was in church playing guitar and praying. And in the silence of the sanctuary gallery, I guess I found myself again in God's presence (it's been awhile), and the spectre of MBBS, ministry, church, friends and family....just grew so strangely dim.

He is more than enough for me, in every season and every need. And I will hope in Him. The past 2 weeks in Medicine posting has been a blurry of worry, stress, little sleep, little joy and no God. Which is contrary to what I promised myself before m5 began - that I would not be so caught up in the madness that is year 5 and would continue to honour God and be faithful to the things He's called me to.

Anyway, I've decided to do Daniel's fast! (at least till the end of med posting). The terms of the fast:

1. To set aside regular time for God and the things of God (not just study study)

2. To abstain from meat and wine (in my case, sweet drinks =)

3. To abstain from unwholesome entertainment and activities

yeps. *deep breath* let's do it!

+/-

2009-11-17T22:47:00.002+08:00

Recently I've been waking up in the morning still feeling tired. That's a really sucky feeling, and it's compounded with the realization that there's so much to do the next day and not enough time to do them. Weekends bring little relief too. Church is so much more a burden han a refuge recently.

On the bright side, I really do enjoy internal medicine. The people are nice ++ (especially a certain reg and 2 MOs), the patients aren't that sick (most of the time), and my CG is fun (friendliness abounds). And from time to time, I'm reminded in a patient's smile or a friend's prayers why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Press on, Sam. Keep lookin up or you'll miss the rainbow.

Pain and perseverance.

2009-11-06T23:39:00.002+08:00

We love, therefore hurt from rejection; we trust, and are torn by betrayal; we hope, and will be disappointed; we choose faith, thus opening ourselves to doubt.

I am wounded more deeply than I thought by the happenings in church; yet as a shepherd myself I must take care of my sheep and be strong for them. I guess times like these call for faithful men to anchor people onto truth and love - I will be such a man.

Eventually there will/must be an accounting; surely in the church of all places there can be forgiveness and reconciliation. I will wait for that day.

O Lord, help me to love though I feel it not.

master mold.

2009-11-03T19:30:00.003+08:00

This is a tumltuous season, to say the least. Between the waves of change in church and cell group, the growing pressure of final exams and the heartwrench of a friendship put to the test, I guess that keeping my gasping head above water is the best that I can do.

"(I) will not test you more than you can bear" is God's promise, and since I believe in a God fully in control and loving beyond measure, I also (reluctantly) accept that there is some way to prevail and acquit myself as a man, one who loves God and is unmoveable in his principles. Thing is, there is probably lotsa kicking and screaming and water-swallowing in the process.

Ever moulded a plaster cast? (I did 2 during night call, one for a patella fracture and one for an ankle fracture) Thing is, it must be soaked in water before it can be molded into whatever shape the Maker desires. It's a wet, sogging and floppy mess until it's moulded and bandaged into its final form. Of course, the final result depends on the skill of the moulder.

Well. I'm feeling like a wet and soggy mess now. It's a relief that He is the master Moulder. In time, hopefully, I'll become that solid-rock-like-plaster-thingy that can be relied upo to bring stability and safety, even some measure of comfort to the patella and ankle fractures of the world.

In the meantime, I guess small steps of faith are in order. That and an investment in waterproof underwear or something.

Finishing.

2009-10-21T22:45:00.002+08:00

I realise, after a fashion, that I'm not a good finisher. I'm a great initiator and an OK starter, but when it comes to finishing, I somehow come up short.

Which is like super uncool/lame/sad la. It's like Reaching the hoop and messing up the dunk. Or kicking the ball above the crossbar 1-on-1 with the keeper. Or ending the last strum later than the bass and drums.

But now, I guess, there are things I wanna finish properly. All the way. Like my cell group. My Crusade DG. the church YA fellowship. Perhaps, to finish the last 5 months of these last 5 years of my student life in a proper and fitting manner, instead of cutting and running ("the baby isn't mine!!!")

Okok. I promise that I'll start the finishing......mayb tomorrow.

times of plenty.

2009-10-17T21:57:00.002+08:00

Plenty of problems and not enough prayer; friendliness aplenty and not enough love; plenty of thoughts and not the words to say; plenty of ideals and not the conviction to back them; plenty sleep (ya rriiiite) and not enough rest; plenty of me and not enough God.

Watching and waiting.

2009-09-30T21:22:00.003+08:00

In a flurry of residency talks, indeed it's the only thing we talk about when we (m5s) meet. Seems that we're being pushed to make a choice re: our specialty too fast too furious, and final year medical students invariably project ourselves beyond the the barrier of MBBS and try to imagine ourselves as consultants.

"Am I a physician or a surgeon? Hmm, A&E seems a good mix of both" "So do I like kids or women more; carpentry of plumbing?" "Which hospital is best for me? I like the food in TTSH but the toilets in SGH....."

And so we go on, swept up with the tide of "progress" and "fast-tracking" (not that these are wrong, of course). So I thank God for reminding me that I'm not in this to be a consultant, or get somewhere in the shortest possible amount of time...I'm here to make a difference in the lives of the hurting. And that God's road to wherever He wants me to be might not be the shortest, but it definitely is the most character-building (and most fun); that labour's reward need not be the kind that is banked into my account every month, or even initialed to the back of my name on a wall.

O Lord, I wait upon You.

Father's song

2009-09-26T20:11:00.003+08:00

We ended Derm with a whimper rather than a cheer, lounged at JP's house ("If I had a house like that, I promise I'd be a good boy and stay at home every day" - Leo), visited Bean at her mum's wake (Bean we love you and are here for you k), had ice cream for supper (along with great company and interesting sharing), then reluctantly headed home.

Thing is, I woke up with a bad headache today that persists even now in the evening. The resultant nua-ness and flipping thru books and blogs is, perhaps, God's way of slowing me down, lifting my heart with a song, and reminding me Who it is I live for, whose love lifts my heart to sing and feet to dance (Ok, I can't dance but I can play the piano/guitar).

I have heard so many songs
Listened to a thousand tongues
But there is one, that sounds above them all

The Fathers song, the Fathers love
You sung it over me and for eternity
Its written on my heart

Heavens perfect melody, the Creators symphony
You are singing over me, the Fathers song
Heavens perfect mystery, the king of love has sent for me
And now you're singing over me
The Fathers song

"The Father's Song" - Matt Redman

Inadequacy

2009-09-06T22:10:00.002+08:00

I love my cell group. I really do. Meeting them on sundays is a joy, and sharing our lives together a great privilege. In them I see people who have found their own unique path to God; seeing them grow in love and sharing in their struggles and triumphs convinces me of the reality and power of God.

Deep inside, I know that I'm inadequate to shepherd them, and during nights like this these feelings seem to well up in self-doubt. If these children of Yours are so precious in Your sight, O Lord, then why entrust them to me? You know my flaws and failings; often it seems that I'm barely keeping up, struggling to following You....much less leading them in Your ways.

And though tonight I would like just to run away, even for awhile, I know that this is my path and portion. So Lord I ask not that You lift my burdens, but that You grant me stronger shoulders to bear them. Help me to love You, and out of that overflow, to love them.

Amen.

Great day ++

2009-09-04T22:59:00.003+08:00

And so we went to hospital and did our jig, squeezed 6 into a car and kidnapped 1 more, went kbox to dance and sing (boy can Ryan sing), caught a movie about alien prawns then went our separate ways promising to this again soon.

O that these days might never end.

walking the talk

2009-08-30T00:52:00.002+08:00

This is one of those relatively rare sleepless night, and instead of tossing and turning I decided to do something constructive (i.e. blog for my thousands of adoring fans).

About a week ago I was waiting for a bus after a campus crusade meeting. At the bus stop was a tall, thin woman in shorts and T-shirt, walking with a limp (seemed more functional i.e. due to pain rather than something anatomical), looking distressed, and several other people looking decidedly awkward.

One of these hurriedly got into a bus. Another Chinese lady was talking to this woman (henceforth referred to as DLX - disturbed lady X). DLX seemed to get even more agitated as time passed, seemingly waiting for a bus/taxi. She was crying and talking in a kind of slur, and limped onto the road itself trying to flag a vehicle down. The Chinese lady tried to drag her back onto the bus stop, to no avail, and eventually gave up with a "i've tried my best" shrug.

I asked the Chinese lady what was wrong with DLX, and was told she was trying to get somewhere desperately, but had no money. The Chinese lady had given DLX money, but DLX was no less emotionally disturbed.

By this time a bus had come and DLX was forced to retreat to the bus stop, crying all the way. No taxi had stopped for her. Then my own bus came and I got on, escaping into the familiar air-conditioned place with alien, disinterested faces, so cold and yet so comforting in its non-threatening mind-your-own-business atmosphere.

The point being, as I sped away, that I had done absolutely nothing for DLX.

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me." Matthew 25:45

studyingcanbefun

2009-08-13T00:26:00.000+08:00

Today was a happifying day (to borrow Ivy's expression)

1. I swam and there was sun!
2. I managed to study
3. I had Crusade DG, and Ray/Ian were great!
4. My mum brought home a new laptop (which I hijacked)

But I think best of all was the feeling when our CG (Eug+SK+Sam....and Emily) were studying/joking/laughing together the whole day. Hmm. needta bring a camera to capture moments like these. maybe later.

perhaps, perhaps

2009-07-29T20:19:00.001+08:00

On a dark SGH night, with no end of new admissions in sight, while poking the nth febrile patient for the (n+1)th time to get blood for bacterial culture, realising that there would be many other nights like this, I wondered for the 1st time in 4+ years of education if I was meant to do medicine.

And while praying that 1. there would be no more new admissions so I can sleep and 2.every blood I take will be a success (i.e. only hafta poke the patient once), I realised that I haven't been praying for much at all this month, and have missed church 2 weeks running.

Brisk and all-business on morning ward rounds, we hear the patients questions and ignore the implicit pleas for an acceptable explanation; a personalised answer. Tolling the line, singing the same song, expecting that patients will see things our way and follow the orders we write into our hallowed case notes, with hardly a backward glance as we move on from Mdm Ang to Mdm Tan (or is it Mdm Lee?)on the next bed and do the jig all over again.

Well, yesterday I happened to glance back at Mdm Ang, albeit for awhile. And on nights like these, I'm thinking that perhaps, perhaps there is more than this.

And so.

2009-07-19T21:26:00.002+08:00

And another lady in our ward passes on. I guess at work we still smile and continue business as usual, but in quieter moments we mourn for every single one in our own private way. I guess as doctors we have to be professional and somewhat detached in order to manage patients objectively, but interacting with them/poking them/seeing them every day for 2 weeks creates somewhat of an attachment.

Each patient has a story to tell, a lesson to teach. One of these lessons is to smile in spite of pain, and never, ever be rude or unreasonable. I guess there's enough pain and sickness in the world without we becoming a pain ourselves.

And so we eye the other lady with cancer remaining in the ward, and see how she's persistently febrile and isn't communicative like she was the day she first came in. And we pray that she'll at least make it home on monday, before she's discharged to that great ward in the sky.

Of hearts and hands.

2009-06-20T22:00:00.002+08:00

Met some meddies today, at a sort of post-elective Christian gathering organised by Eug and Ann. Interestingly, one of the things we talked about was cynicism.

Ann shared how some prof told her (while she was still a young/happy/wide-eyed year 3) that "the world will harden your heart". And how the cynicism of some senior doctors rubbed off on us; how every pleasant exterior masked an imperfect and unlovely interior.

Horrors. Has medicine really calloused our hearts and dulled our compassion? For surely what we gain in cynicism we lose in compassion. Compassion, by definition, is being able to feel for (and therefore do something about) the plight of fellow man. Cynicism sees the plight of man and says "he's there because he wants to be; he has some ulterior motive." Cynicism says to lovers "your honeymoon will soon end; 'tis but a passing fancy" and to dreamers "welcome to the real world; wake up and smell the coffee".

What did Jesus say? "When he (Jesus) saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harrassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." - Matthew 9:36

Ah. remind me of this verse again when I've a neverending patient queue and am running late for lunch. O God, keep our hearts tender and our hands gentle. Amen.

Been there. Done that.

2009-06-18T00:13:00.003+08:00

There is a place where we belong, a place we call home. It is so much to so many people - a repository of precious memories; a place to grow up and grow old; somewhere love and acceptance (for our cranky morning self and little idiosyncrasies) abound; a place to return late at night and still find food on the table or snacks in the kitchen; where family (in every sense of the word) is found.

But perhaps the most important thing that makes home special, is that it is incomplete without me. There is a "me"-sized/shaped space in every home that only "me" can fill. It comes complete with a "me"-arranged room (kinda messy, in my case), a "me" sized bed (guess I've reached my final adult height and won't be growing any taller...boo), a "me"-flavoured toothbrush, a "me"-favourite mug, several "me"-sized shoes etc.

Coming back home for good after months on foreign soil, sleeping in a dozen of foreign beds (Philippines, India, Australia, and most recently Philippines again), I've seen/experienced/learnt so many things that I can hardly contain them, much less process them into meaningful life lessons. That will come later, I suppose.

I can't help but remember the beautiful time in Philippines with Joanne and Charlene (aka Kuting and Butterfly). Thank you for sharing your hearts/lives with me and being willing to share in mine. In India I found 2 long-lost brothers (yes, they're Indian), and jammed the blues in Amigos cafe with total strangers. In Australia I spent money and grew fat. haha. And on this mission trip I slept among dogs and chickens under the same mosquito net as SK, climbed a mountain I had failed before, hurt my knee coming down, learnt how God is able to do so much more in me than I dreamt possible, and realised that for all the pain (I won't be running anytime soon...will probably go for surgery in a year or 2), it was worth it.

So for the moment (until God calls me away to some foreign place), the Sam-shaped hole here is no more vacant. Hmm. I've been thinking of getting a dog, though. Gringo was really cool. Wonder if there's a dog-shaped hole somewhere in my house...

Grow. Up.

2009-05-19T20:51:00.002+08:00

At some point we all (bar some notable exceptions) grow up. In Rugrats (I love the show), there's an age when kids stop speaking/understanding baby-ish (the universally-understood language used among babies, which adults don't understand) and start speaking the adult language.

But I guess for most of us there's no identifiable "point of transition"; we realise one day "wow, I was really mature in that situation" and realise (with grown-up indifference, outright horror, or, if we're lucky, child-like amusement) that we've grown up.

I was in the paeds wards awhile back, talking to this boy with a broken leg or something.

Sam: Hi, I'm Sam! What's your name? How old are you?

Boy: My name is Ah Boy (patient confidentiality=). I'm 13.

Sam: Oh, I'm 13 too! .....pause..... Ok, I'm 23. (punctuated by SK's laughter)

Thanksgiving.

2009-05-11T22:05:00.010+08:00

And when the road seems long

and the nights dark

thank God you make it worth it.

Shadow of the steeple.

2009-05-09T23:47:00.002+08:00

Church fills me with so much joy and pain, both simultaneously and sequentially. There is so much joy in worshipping God together, in serving one another out of love. And then, there are (too often) the moments when the imperfections and prejudices of man are on garish display.

Today's leaders' meeting was a case in point. Now this may sound familiar to you. We have material to read through and prepare beforehand. So far so good - most of us (it seems) have at least read the relevant articles. We start on time (bar 1 or 2 sheepish latecomers) - fantastic. A first. The table is ringed with smiling people, not at all begrudging the precious Saturday afternoon spent once a month in this room. Great. The facilitator for the day opens with prayer and asks God for wisdom and insight into the Word. Awesome. We're all set...

...and everything goes downhill from there. The powerpoint presentation has nothing to do with the set material. Sharing is out-of-point: more a string of barely-related and relatable personal experiences that add no value to the discussion. The Word of God is not referred to, and even the prepared material lies open in front of us but we're not talking about it. I doodle on my notes (what animals can I draw that actually resemble the real thing? hmm) then excuse myself for an extended toilet/coffee break. I return, and the same voice is speaking about something I thought we covered 2 months before (before I left for Philippines/India). I doodle again (flowers and fruits this time), and imagine myself speaking to Pastor about dropping out from the programme altogether. We finally break off into discussion groups, I somehow survive, Pastor ends in prayer...

I eat dinner with my brother at the coffeeshop opposite church. He understands how I feel, and tells me that he had resolved not to speak in these meetings, but to pray for the entire church leadership and vision. I realise he is a much better man than I - it's so easy to feel superior and "above it all" in church, but the Jesus that died to save me is the same Jesus that died for each one of them, and He calls us to love one another.

At the end of the day, I should not forget that the church is simply a collection of sinners, there by the grace of a loving God. And hey, I fit right in that description.

Walkin' blues.

2009-05-07T21:03:00.003+08:00

It's just one of those nights.

There's just so much left unsaid that a plastered-on smile and a friendly "take care" just don't cut it. Sometimes I wish God made us with our hearts on our sleeves - then we wouldn't need to play the guessing game ever so often.

I guess I never did stop waiting at your door, even when it shut. Perhaps a stronger man than me would have pounded the door till it gave way; maybe a braver man than me would have walked away and never looked back. But I'm not any of that.

And now, it finally feels that the chains that bound me to your porch have been thinned by time and experience into more of a silver thread that it pains me to break rather than a chain. My feeble attempts at reaching you have met with, in effect, courteous silence.

In the end, perhaps, silence is also an answer.

Love them like Jesus.

2009-05-05T12:34:00.005+08:00

I'm back from Philippines and India! Got new passion, new conviction/courage, a new blog, new photos, and new skills (cooking/cleaning). aha.

It is true that when we follow God to wherever He leads us, we recieve so much more than we give. When we lay our hopes/dreams/desires at His feet, it is not sacrifice by any means - it is giving ourself to a plan more wonderful, more intimate and sweeter and higher than anything we could ever imagine.

In Philippines I saw what it means to follow God to whatever mission field (however rural or difficult) He leads us to; how people trusted Him to provide everything they need. How He took the little they had and multiplied it, and blessed their ministry. I learned the great joy of intimate sharing with unlikely friends, and was inspired to bring Jesus into medicine, whatever/wherever I might practice. Of course there was the peanut-butter-sand-beaches and blue lagoons and jellyfish, snorkeling in the open sea ("just jump!" "ok, you first"), chicken skin and puppies.

In India I saw the beggars, shopkeeping touts and swindling horsecart drivers in Delhi/Agra, saw the Taj (I like natural wonders better. Give me beaches anytime), experienced several harrowing bus rides (1. the guy/girl beside me always vomits; not pleasant on a 16 hour bus ride 2. it's a one-lane mountain path with our bus and a truck passing on opposite sides; one side is the mountain, and the other side...I can't even see where the drop ends), did lotsa cool medical stuff with minimal supervision *ahem*. But what struck me most was the sheer warmth and hospitality of the people at the hospital (it's near the himalayas so it's cold there), how they invite you in and cook for you and feed you and give you stuff and share their lives with you and whose kids climb all over you (check out the photos).

Through it all I guess I was awed again and again at the wonder of God's creation - the pristine beauty of Palawan beaches and the cold majesty of the Himalayan mountains. I was humbled, so humbled, by my inability to help/heal/change/comfort people so broken and so in need of physical and spiritual healing. I learned to love the people around me - Joanne/Charlene, Sheryl/Wanzhen.

And most of all, I learned that Jesus is the only one that truly satisfies; that every new day with Him is indeed sweeter than the day before.